How to Forgive Yourself and Tap into Mental Freedom
Congratulations on being here! By focusing on your happiness, and being willing to forgive and let go of that which does not serve you (rather than play the blame-game), is HUGE!
Life can be messy. Learning how to forgive yourself and others will lead to mental freedom. Dr. Deganit Nuur, a world renowned spiritual teacher and clairvoyant, answered some questions around forgiveness.
When examining how to forgive, a good question to start off with is, “Would I rather be right or would I rather be happy? Choosing to be right validates your ego. Choosing to be happy validates your spirit. In choosing to be right, you’re actually giving your power away—either to the other person or to the situation. When you choose to forgive and be happy, you feel calm, peaceful, light, and liberated. The focus is on YOU and not them or the situation. Let’s jump in!
Q: How do you learn to forgive yourself when you know you’ve treated someone badly?
Self-forgiveness is the hardest forgiveness of all. In short, you now know better, so do better. While we cannot change the past, we can influence the future. The Universe is always testing us to see if we’ve grown. At some point, it’s likely that you’ll be presented with a similar situation—whether it’s sleeping with a married person, being on the receiving end of nepotism, having all the power in a romantic relationship, taking advantage of your child, or whatever it may be. When presented with the situation again, choose wisely. Choose love. Choose an action you will feel proud of.
For example, I had no idea the crystals I was purchasing were minded by minors and in a way that was harming our planet. Learning this information was deeply unsettling to me. It took me a while to forgive myself, but part of my process is now bering an advocate and educator for ethnical crystal shopping, which means I’m impacting more lives than the amount of lives I’ve hurt.
Also, if you’re presented with the opportunity to educate and empower others with your story, take it! Please don’t shame yourself. Use your past to inspire the future of others. Become an advocate and help prevent unnecessary pain.
Q: I’m wondering how to forgive myself for missing moments with my children?
Be kind to yourself! Keep in mind that how the situation has manifested is not always about you. There is so much karma involved in every single experience in our lives. As an example, if your soulmate isn’t showing up, it may be because they’re not ready yet, and if they showed up too soon, they’d likely sabotage the entire relationship. Similarly, your kids have incarnated at this point in time with their own karma. How do you know that not having you around isn’t exactly what they need to reach their pure potential? It’s funny and can be strange the way karma works, but it always works.
I grew up with a single mom that worked so much and I never saw her. I felt neglected as a kid, and while that hurt, it also built character. Fast forward 40 years and my siblings and I are obsessed with my mom. We’re all successful and independent thanks to her absence and the behavior she modeled for us (work ethic and compassion). Turns out, we didn’t need her body around as much as we needed her spirit. While we didn’t get much face time with her, we always felt her love.
Your kids know you love them. They’re watching you and they’re proud of you. The more you forgive yourself, the easier it will be to take in the vast oceans and galaxies of love they have for you. You’re an awesome mom.
Q: I’m 53 and am having trouble loving the way I look. How can I cultivate acceptance and self love?
I am asked so many questions around self image and shame. You are not alone. Please know that the beauty industry is a multimillion dollar industry that profits on your insecurities. I work with models, people who are literally paid for the way they look, and sadly, even models who get paid millions for their appearance are insecure.
Let’s dig a little bit deeper. What else is bothering you? How else are you placing conditions on your self-love? If you were to look like you do but had more money, would you be likely to accept yourself? If you were to look like this as a Novel Peace Prize Winner, would you be more likely to accept yourself? Why are you putting conditions on your ability to love yourself? Who told you you’re unworthy of unconditional love? Perhaps you have some forgiving to do and perhaps it’s not only you that you need to forgive. You’ve been fed lies. Lies about love and lies about you. Surrender to your truth and you’ll find an endless sea of self love waiting for you.
Q: What are some rituals for letting go?
While forgiveness is all about letting go, sometimes it’s not easy. Sometimes we forgive graciously and generously, but still have a hard time gaining closure. Here is a three letter series that addresses all the sticky parts of letting go. The first letter addresses the injustices, the second letter addresses the ego, and finally, the third letter addresses the spirit. This works and brings your mental freedom!
Q: How can I both forgive and set boundaries?
Forgiveness is for you! It’s a purely personal thing. You’re not giving anyone the right to mistreat you, you’re simply saying, “You mistreating me was a product of your pain and none of my business. I’m forgiving you so I don’t take on that pain.”
It can actually help with boundaries. It’s not about excusing a behavior, it’s about setting you free from a behavior you never deserved. Think of boundaries as modalities to preserve self love and inner peace. If someone you’re in constant contact with is mistreating you, boundaries may be challenging. Consider a variation of the below script, because you deserve peace.
“[Insert name], I love you and thanks to our relationship I’ve grown a lot. I’m forever grateful for that! Part of that growth includes choosing situations that serve me. While you are a wonderful, beautiful soul, the way we come together is not serving me. I think we can both do better, and for that reason, I’m taking some distance from this dynamic. I wish you all the best and hope you can receive this with love.”
The truth is, whether they see the love in that message or not, is irrelevant—you’re presenting it with love. Without these boundaries, you’re enabling your aggressor. I’ve never known a bully that actually liked themselves. You’re offering this person an opportunity to do some self reflection and to like themselves. What they do with that opportunity is up to them.
